Don’t mind me folks. Just testing something. Please leave this thread to me.
Test post.
Test again.
Criminy, nobody told me there would be a test today and I didn’t read the assignment. Can we postpone it till tomorrow?
You’ve already failed. It was a test to see if you could follow instructions. ;-)
You’ve already failed. It was a test to see if you could follow instructions. ;-)
So far I can’t duplicate the problem. I hate it when that happens.
So far I can’t duplicate the problem. I hate it when that happens.
Let’s try it again.
And again.
Y’all can fill this up a bit if you want. Maybe I need a longer thread. But be warned that eventually I’ll delete this so it isn’t the place for your best material. ;-)
How many mural painters does it take to change a light bulb?
………….
Three. One to hold back the zebra, and the other two to fill the bathtub with toasters.
How many software engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?
……………..
None. It’s a hardware problem
How many apes does it take to change a lightbulb?
………………..
Just one. But it takes a ++LOT+++ of bulbs.
Woody Allen’s imaginary and very imaginative letter from Vincent van Gogh to his brother Theo:
“If the Impressionists Had Been Dentists.”
Dear Theo, Will life never treat me decently? I am wracked by despair! My head is pounding! Mrs. Sol Schwimmer is suing me because I made her bridge as I felt it and not to fit her ridiculous mouth! That’s right! I can’t work to order like a common tradesman! I decided her bridge should be enormous and billowing, with wild, explosive teeth flaring up in every direction like fire! Now she is upset because it won’t fit in her mouth! She is so bourgeois and stupid, I want to smash her! I tried forcing the false plate in but it sticks out like a star-burst chandelier. Still, I find it beautiful. She claims she can’t chew! What do I care whether she can chew or not! Theo, I can’t go on like this much longer.
Vincent.
Dr. Evil’s autobiography:
“The details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Belgium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old French prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Rangoon, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds – pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking – I highly suggest you try it.”
Italo Calvino: “Writing always means hiding something in such a way that it is then discovered.”
Bertrand Russell: Many people would sooner die than think. In fact, they do.
Mencius: What is the salary of a thousand bushels to me, if I come by it against my principles?
LITERATURE ABUSE: AMERICA’S HIDDEN PROBLEM
SELF-TEST FOR LITERATURE ABUSERS
How many of these apply to you?
1. I have read fiction when I was depressed, or to cheer myself up.
2. I have gone on reading binges of an entire book or more in a day.
3. I read rapidly, often ‘gulping’ chapters.
4. I have sometimes read early in the morning or before work.
5. I have hidden books in different places to sneak a chapter without being seen.
6. Sometimes I avoid friends or family obligations in order to read novels.
7. Sometimes I re-write film or television dialog as the characters speak.
8. I am unable to enjoy myself with others unless there is a book nearby.
9. At a party, I will often slip off unnoticed to read.
10. Reading has made me seek haunts and companions which I would otherwise avoid.
11. I have neglected personal hygiene or household chores until I have finished a novel.
12. I have spent money meant for necessities on books instead.
13. I have attempted to check out more library books than permitted.
14. Most of my friends are heavy fiction readers.
15. I have sometimes passed out from a night of heavy reading.
16. I have suffered ‘blackouts’ or memory loss from a bout of reading.
17. I have wept, become angry or irrational because of something I read.
18. I have sometimes wished I did not read so much.
19. Sometimes I think my reading is out of control.
Tequila Cookies
1 cup of dark brown sugar
1 cup (2 sticks) butter
1 cup of granulated sugar
4 large eggs
2 cups of dried fruit, such as dried cranberries or raisins
1 tsp baking soda
1 tsp salt
1 tsp fresh lemon juice
1 cup coarsely chopped walnuts or pecans
2 cups all-purpose flour
1 bottle Jose Cuervo Tequila (silver or gold, as desired)
Sample the Cuervo to check quality.
Take a large bowl, check the Cuervo again, to be sure it is of the highest quality, pour one level cup and drink.
Turn on the electric mixer…Beat one cup of butter in a large fluffy bowl.
Add one teaspoon of sugar…Beat again.
At this point it’s best to make sure the Cuervo is still OK, try another cup…just in case.
Turn off the mixerer thingy.
Break 2 leggs and add to the bowl and chuck in the cup of dried fruit, pick the frigging fruit off floor.
Mix on the turner. If the fried druit gets stuck in the beaterers just pry it loose with a drewscriver.
Sample the Cuervo to check for tonsisticity.
Next, sift two cups of salt, or something.
Check the Jose Cuervo.
Now shift the lemon juice and strain your nuts.
Add one table.
Add a spoon of sugar, or somefink. Whatever you can find.
Greash the oven.
Turn the cake tin 360 degrees and try not to fall over. Don’t forget to beat off the turner.
Finally, throw the bowl through the window, finish the Cose Juervo and make sure to put the stove in the dishwasher.
computer poetry
< > ! * ‘ ‘ # waki waka bang splat tick tick hash, ^ “ $ $ - caret quote back-tick dollar dollar dash,
bang splat equal at dollar under-score, % * < > ~ # 4 percent splat waki waka tilde hash four & [ ] . . / ampersand brackin brackout dot dot slash, | { , , ZERO DIVIDE ERROR up-bar curly brackin comma comma CRASH.
after Bremmer & Krose
Nuts. Never thought what would happen to the formatting.
How many women does it take to change a light bulb when they have PMT (PMS) ?
Just One! ALRIGHT !
How many mice does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but first you have to get it in there …
How many psychologists does it take to change a lightbulb?
Just one, but first the lightbulb has got to want to change
Perhaps you need some more pre-formatted stuff to make it work?? With links??
Shock and yawn of redundant scare stories TV REVIEW IAIN HEGGIE
Horizon, BBC2 Stop Treating Me Like a Kid, E4
LAST night’s Horizon, subtitled Pandemic, certainly laid it on thick. The music went all requiem-y. Footage of deserted cities turned black-and-white. Dots floated about the screen with a conspicuous attraction to the nose and mouth of passing humans. Computer-generated graphics showed maps of continents with blood red spreading out from major centres of population. Multicoloured cartoonised cowpats - like something from the Beano - were humourlessly superimposed on bird flu experts telling us why we should be very afraid. And tearful actors grossly overstated their impressions of real-life witnesses to an unfolding disaster.
This was a documentary with the one-note heavy-handedness of a pneumatic drill. Someone at the BBC clearly forgot to remind the makers of Pandemic that there’s a reason why shock and awe road accident and anti-smoking ads are over in seconds. Any longer and the law of diminishing returns kicks in, big style.
There wasn’t enough story in this predictive drama documentary to justify 30 minutes, let alone 90. All the programme had to do was explain how the human mutation of bird flu will work, how it will spread and why there is nothing we can do to prepare. There was no justification for taking the drama documentary route. There was no conflicting science to report, complete with opposing camps. There was no history of neglect or corruption to expose. There was no complacent hiding of heads in sand to struggle vainly against. There wasn’t even anything to campaign for (or, if there was, the makers didn’t tell us what it was). Without a protagonist pursuing a difficult high-stakes objective and faced by tricky conflict, there is no drama in a drama-documentary.
I don’t for one second doubt that bird flu can mutate into a form infectious between humans. I’m prepared to believe that it is only a matter of time before it will, and that the outcome could be disastrous. But in smearing its entire running time with an easy glaze of defeated sentimentality - whose statement amounted to no more than “isn’t it sad that people die?” - Pandemic made me want to kick against it and start constructing arguments to the opposite effect. For all its purple content, outside of the theatre I can’t remember the last time 90 minutes dragged so badly.
Another week, another reality show about trying to reform badly-behaved teenagers. Stop Treating Me Like A Kid took a group of them to a house in a country village and required them to take work to house and feed themselves.
Johnny had a habit of staying up late and getting drunk. He turned up for his farm job two hours late on his first day. On the second day, following a bender, he didn’t turn up at all. But you knew he was susceptible to pressure from his housemates by the way he answered their criticism: “I don’t feel guilty not wanting to skip around in shit.”
Then one of the other housemates got sacked from a job in the local butcher’s and Johnny went to take their place. Again, he only lasted one day. With housemates dropping out, the group was in danger of not being able to pay the rent, so he went after a third job, working for a local wheelwright. This was like finding treasure: tools and making things interested Johnny naturally. He was also clearly gratified by his boss’s praise, and we began to see he was vulnerable not only to pressure from his housemates but also affirmation from grown men.
The uncovering of positive character traits is one of the more attractive features of this kind of transformation television. But can you trust what you see? The programme created an illusion that these teenagers were wandering around Devon on their own. But producers, researchers, cameras and crews must be a significant part of the reality of the kids’ experience. Why do we have to be excluded from all that? This kind of blatant artificiality eats away at my trust in what I’m seeing and diminishes its impact.
This article: http://living.scotsman.com/tv.cfm?id=1650842006
wow, unusual thread. cool.
pogge - if you are testing what I think you are testing (wink wink) then let me know and I will start a new thread for you with the dummy News Summary in it … since that was the example used in the problem raised (more winking)
pogge—check yer email. It may be the “key” to what you’re looking for…
Hmmmm. I thought this is a test thread. Had paper and pencil ready.
I was told to leave my calculator and cell phone at home… ;-) Slide rules only…
A favorite quote:
“Suppose I was an idiot, suppose I was a member of Congress, But I repeat myself.”
Samuel Clemens aka Mark Twain
Seemed appropriate the day after U.S. Election day.
The problem with political jokes is they get elected. Henry Cate VII
Fun thread. :)
:-) Let’s not get too far off base here…there will be a quiz at the end of today’s test.
Homesteader – at 08:40 What is this, a slap at the democrats? Regardless, please keep politics out of this. Thank you.
gardner – at 09:20 --- Down boy! It could very well be a slap at the Indies, Repubs, Greens, or any other party. If you go back up towards the top and read pogge – at 00:12 on November 8, you’ll see that he’s gonna just delete this thread when he’s done anyway. And it won’t be about censorship or over-moderating a thread or disagreeing with what’s written. This particular, one and only thread is only a test
Duck and Cover; Drop and Roll. Your preference…
this is another test
Gardner;
LOL. . .lighten up it is a beautiful day. FYI: I’m not a “party animal”. My persona view on elections is it is a bit like deciding what color fox you want in the hen house.
Our Preps are nearing the goals we had set for ourselves earlier in the year. . . after that it will be continueing to educate others and getting some items from our “prep wish list” as the budget allows. I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving. . .more than usual.
God Bless.
Where is this test?! Brought a case of bottled water for the teacher. ;-)
This really is fun. Perhaps we need to have a “blow off steam/let’s get crazy/let’s get stupid thread. What? you’re going to delete this? Geeze. I’ll take my case of bottled water back. I’m leaveing class!
pogge---is this an open-book exam?
cottontop – at 09:50 --- Sorry. The doors have been locked and the windows barred. You will sit and take the test with everyone else in class. And, did you bring enough water for everyone?
No?!? Then spit it out, put the rest under your seat, and sit up straight!!!
Bronco Bill at 06:15:
Thanks. One additional part of the key: it doesn’t happen in Firefox but it does in Internet Exploder. And you’re correct that you still can’t save the contents without a password.
For everyone else’s benefit: we thought we had a security flaw but it turns out that while it’s a glitch, it’s not a security problem.
I’ll delete this thread in a little while.
Okay class. Time’s up. Put down your pencils and pass your papers forward. You’ll receive your grades at the end of the semester.
Class is dismissed? Yeah!!!! Alright Bronco Bill, unlock those doors. I gotta go replace the bottled water you made me spit out!
Oh, class? One more thing. You have homework tonight. In order to get your mind off of BF for a day, you’re all to read The Iliad tonight, front to back. There will be a test tomorrow on the entire story. ;-)
Awwwww!! The Iliad! I vote to change that and we watch Jason and the Argonauts.
The Iliad??!!! Really! Hooray! Thank you. That is one of the BEST works of literature of all time! Absolutely fantastic in every way. (JMHO, of course.)
There’s always a troublemaker! Teacher’s Pet!!!
ha! Actually I do love the Iliad.
Near the end of Book 4 there is a wonderful description of the gods driving the armies into battle . . .
“and Terror drove them, and Fear, and Hate whose wrath is relentless, she [Hate] the sister and companion of murderous Ares, she who is only a little thing at the first, but thereafter grows until she strides on earth with her head striking heaven. She then hurled down bitterness equally between both sides as she walked through the onslaught, making men’s pain heavier.”
Come on. That’s fantastic. The image of Hate starting out as just a little thing, but quickly growing huge and powerful. Brilliant!
But if the votes are against the Iliad (sniff), then what about the Lord of the Rings?
Doesn’t matter; we keep fighting the long defeat, anyway. “Si man i yulma nin enquantuva?”
Don’t let teacher here me say this, but the Iliad is fantastic! I just love Jason and the Argonauts, Sinbad, Clash of the Titians. All classics. And the Hobbit was one of the first “serious” books I read when I was a kid, after my Charlie and the Chocolate Factory faze.
Who me? I wasn’t talking. It was him! Awwwwwwwww. Detention again!!
OK, Class, here is the test. You have two hours, you may use the internet.
What is the conversion from weight of flour to volume of flour in a recipe? What is the conversion for sugar?
What is the accepted recipe for oral rehydration salts, in metric units.
How many watts are in a horsepower? How many watts of solar panel will it take to run a 0.75 hp pump? What is the amperage at 12 volts? How will it be run at night?
How many genes are in the H5N1 genome? What are their names?
Translate the following into plain English: AY651366 A/Ph/ST/44/2004 HA (4) 1667 2004 H5N1
Describe 4 ways to disinfect water, with and without power.
What is the proper way of removing and disinfecting a respirator?
Name three foods that store indefinitely, require no cooking, and have high nutrient density.
List 100 ways to amuse a child.
Describe how to make elk-shank moccasins. Describe the parts of the elk carcass, what method of cooking is best for each, and how to preserve the meat. Describe the basic process of tanning the hide with a bar of Fels-Naptha soap. List 20 other uses for Fels-Naptha.
w
e
‘
r
e
s
c
r
e
w
e
d
.
.
.
One last extra-credit question, class: if apples are red, and grapes are purple, what is the weight of a half-moon waning?
In Imperial or Metric measurement units, Bronco Bill?
(Why does the porrige-bird lay his egg in the air? I forget.)
pogge - its not a glitch, its a FEATURE.
crfullmoon – at 13:14 I would prefer if you would please round your measurement to the closest long tonnes.
(I’d better just bite ma tonng…)
crfullmoon – at 13:14
Noooooo….
I’ve been awake for- nine hours…’
Test answers. You may grade your own sheet.
What is the conversion from weight of flour to volume of flour in a recipe? What is the conversion for sugar? Sugar (Granulated) 44 lb/cf= 3 fluid ounces/ounce by weight=0.70 gm/cc Flour (Wheat) 42 lb/cf= 2.8 fluid ounces/ounce by weight=0.67 gm/cc
What is the accepted recipe for oral rehydration salts, in metric units. Reduced strength formula: Start with 1 liter of clean water, preferably boiled and cooled. Add 2.6 g Sodium chloride 1.5 g Salt Substitute (100% KCl) 2.9 g bicarbonate 27g Table sugar (Sucrose)
OR A little less than 1/2 tsp ordinary table salt. A heaping quarter teaspoon salt substitute that is 100% KCl Three quarters teaspoon bicarbonate of soda 8 teaspoons table sugar Shake well to dissolve. It should taste as salty as tears.
How many watts are in a horsepower? How many watts of solar panel will it take to run a 0.75 hp pump? What is the amperage at 12 volts? How will it be run at night?
Watts 2 Horsepower : Watts x 0.00134 ==746 watts/HP
How many genes are in the H5N1 genome? What are their names? 7. Influenza A virus RNA segments coding for the spike proteins (HA, NA, and M2) and the internal proteins (PB2, PB1, PA, NP, M, and NS)
Translate the following into plain English: AY651366 A/Ph/ST/44/2004 HA (4) 1667 2004 H5N1 Sequence numberAY651366/pheasant/Shantou, China/sequence 44/analyzed in 2004/HA segment of 4, 1667 nucleotides long/subtype H5N1
Describe 4 ways to disinfect water, with and without power. Bleach, ozone, ultraviolet light, boiling
What is the proper way of removing a respirator? The outside of the respirator is considered contaminated. So are your gloves. Coarsely decontaminate by washing gloved hands in decon bucket, then unfasten respirator, without touching uncontaminated part of face. Disassemble as needed, discard disposable parts, and put respirator into container of decontaminant solution. Use gloves to remove the rest of PPE, discard or decontaminate as needed. Then remove gloves, being sure not to contaminate clean areas, and discard.
Name three foods that store indefinitely, require no cooking, and have high nutrient density. Ramen noodles, canned tuna, crackers, peanut butter.
List 100 ways to amuse a child. http://product.half.ebay.com/838-Ways-to-Amuse-a-Child_W0QQtgZinfoQQprZ1300081
Describe how to make elk-shank moccasins. Describe the parts of the elk carcass, what method of cooking is best for each, and how to preserve the meat. Describe the basic process of tanning the hide with a bar of Fels-Naptha soap. List 20 other uses for Fels-Naptha.
http://www.inquiry.net/outdoor/winter/gear/moccasins/billy_bowleg.htm http://www.soapsgonebuy.com/category_s/8.htm
Y’know? That last one might just come in handy some day!!!
anon you get an A.
One teeny tiny addendum: another quick rehydration recipe— a(3 finger) pinch of salt and 2 teaspoons of sugar to a cup of potable water.
(too bad chocolate is so difficult to store indefinetly; unless in a glass container, out of sight, and out of mind)
anonymous – at 16:49
note on removing gloves: Pinch cuff of glove and turn down about an inch as if you were turning it inside out. Remove other glove. Then with uncontaminated hand remove remaining glove by grabbing the now exposed uncontaminated inner cuff. Turn gloves inside out as you remove.
This procedure was used for removing anti-c (c=contamination) gloves after working nuclear contaminated or possibly contaminated areas.
The Doctor was me.
You forgot the honey - manuka of course.
I think the changing lightbulb questions were much more fun!
Can you now please convert all the recipe items into metric and send some elk or moose to other countries ..
You forgot about ‘each animal has a brain big enough to save their hide’ - this means you mash the brains and rub them into the skin to keep it soft and pliable and preserved.
Pogge - can you please keep testing for a little while longer so we can keep playing?
BB - that water wasn’t shared (yes I am prepared to be teacher’s pet by snitching on the others)
Now here is a really difficult one ..
You take one hundred tags and write the numbers 1 to 100 on then (one tag per number). You draw one tag at a time and then return it to the stack. You want to draw your favourite number - which is 21 (oh to be 21 again? - nah). You have made 99 draws without success. What is the chance that your next draw will be the 21?
a. 99 out of 100
b. 1 out of 100
c. 1 out of 2
d. why are you carrying out such a dumb experiment anyway?
AnnieB’s question: What is the chance that your next draw will be the 21?
My answer: Green
BB, I suggest you try your buzzer again to ensure it is working correctly
1 out of 100. That’s because you put the tags back in, so there are always 100 tags to choose from.
Good heavens. By all means keep playing. Just don’t hurt each other. And no running with scissors!
AnnieB – at 22:55 --- Shoot! You’re right..my buzzer was disconnected by some disgruntled contestant. Prob’ly a Wheel of Fortune loser…
ROTFLMAO!!! LOL!!! I just realized that disgruntled posted a few minutes before me…
Pogge - reminds me of another t-shirt slogan worn by one of my sons …
“It’s funny until someone gets hurt, then it is absolutely hilarious”
Talking of chickens, how does the Ooh-Aah bird get its name?
…hastily hides wire cutters in back of pants…
I haven’t had this much fun since the fairy fell of the top of the christmas tree … no, don’t ask me to explain that - use your imagination …
SERIOUS NOTE TO NEW PEOPLE TO THIS THREAD
Pogge needed to do some testing so this thread was started and needed to be ‘filled’, so some of us decided to help … Do not take anything on this thread (or any of the contributors for that matter) seriously ;-)
even on a good day:-)
Amen AnnieB
I’m telling you folks, we need a place to come and play. I had a blast earlier today, and I don’t seem to be the only one. It’s a good stress reliever when things get to weird over in the other threads. Hell, I’ll take your coats and hats, and order your drinks!
I’ll try to think of more things that need testing.
See what I mean, LOL!! Geeze, too much and it’s the next day. Play time is over for cottontop! You good folks have a peaceful night.
Have a good day/night cottontop and we will see you back in class tomorrow - mine’s a G&T
A round of bbrwfk for all, on me.
You can say, “there are 3 (two’s, too’s, to’s) in the English language but how would you write it so that it is read the same as it is spoken?
You can say, “There are 3 (two’s, too’s, to’s) in the English language.”, but how would you write it so that it is read the same as it is spoken?
Oremus - that is a good party trivia question. You can start a list of words pronounced the same but spelt differently, then a list of words that are spelt the same but pronounced differently - e.g. bow, row
Here is another trivia one which is really good for parties (the hand antics it induces are entertaining in themself) ..
How does a fly land on the ceiling? Does it do a side flip, a back flip or a double-pike-two-and-a-half-backward-somersault? Does it tentatively place one or two sticky legs up over its head, get a quick grip then flip the rest of its body, folding in its wings at the same time?
Seriously, think about it - but have some suitable lubricant first. Here is a fly, buzzing along, feet faced towards the floor, wings up, parallel to the ceiling then the next thing it is hanging up there upside down - how does it invert itself - and when you have answered that - how does it know to do that?
Oremus -
2
enza – at 13:42
There are three 2′s in the English language.
Nah, I’m not buying it. Probably the next best solution though.
Without offending the Knights who say Nee, I don’t think it can be done.
Brilliant!
I have started a new thread called Relax and Have Some Fun Lounge so we can continue our entertainment mode …
Which would make this a good time to close this one.