Forum: Humour

Warning: The following material may be offensive to those without a sense of humour. The following video clips are 3–4 minutes long. Enjoy.

Daily Show

http://video.lisarein.com/dailyshow/oct2005/10-06-05/10-6-05-avianflu.mov

Mad TV

http://youtube.com/watch?v=3K8KvHxh1VI

                NEED A LAUGH?


  A passenger in a taxi tapped the driver in the shoulder to ask him something.  The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove up over the curb, and stopped just inches from a large plate glass window.
  For a few moments everything was silent in the cab, then the driver said, “please don’t ever do that again.  You scared the daylights out of me.”
  The passenger who was also frightened, apologized and said he didn’t realize that a tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
  To which the driver replied,”I’m really sorry, it’s really not your fault at all.  Today is my first day driving a cab.  I’ve been driving a hearse for the last 25 years.

Cottontop, LMFAO!!!!!!!!!

I hope you needed that as much as I did!

Well, if all you need is a cabbie joke to make your day…

A cabbie picks up a nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won’t stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies, “I have a question to ask you, but I don’t want to offend you.”
She answers, “My son, you cannot offend me. When you’re as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I’m sure that there’s nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.”
“Well, I’ve always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.”
She responds, “Well, let’s see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.”
The cab driver is very excited and says, “Yes, I am single; and I’m Catholic too!”
“OK” the nun says. “Pull into the next alley.”
He does, and the nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
“My dear child,” said the nun, “why are you crying?”
“Forgive me Sister, but I have sinned. I lied. I must confess, I’m married and I’m Jewish.”
The nun says, “That’s OK, my name is Kevin and I’m on my way to a Halloween party.”

We now return you to your regularly scheduled fluwikie…

excellant!!!!!!! extra funny to me, because I have a brother-in-law named kevin, and I wonder about him!

Klatu – at 13:24

WOW, the Daily Show clip was good, and MAD TV was even better!!

I was recently very sick, I think I had the flu because it lasted for about 3 weeks. I was convinced that I had bird flu because I went down like a brick and had all the symptoms. Every day DH laughed at me when I said “I’ve got that damn bird flu! He made me chicken soup and brought me lots of orange juice and told me I had a bad cold but it wasn’t as bad as all that. Well, I started feeling better and the next day DH wakes up all mad at me. I asked what was the matter and he said, “I’ve got your damn bird flu!” (He’s okay now too, but he had it much worse than I did, or so he says.)

Q. Why did the chicken cross the road?

A. To show the possum it could be done.

Oremus- that was good.

               Need A Laugh?

A preacher goes into a bar and says, “Anybody who wants to go to heaven, stand up.” Everybody stands up except for a drunk in the corner. The preacher says, “My son, don’t you want to go to heaven when you die?” The drunk says, “When I die? Sure. I thought you were taking a load up now.”

No fun, the big spam barrage this site’s been getting lately, but, I had to snicker when I saw the “latest flavor”

this spam calls itself birthday of king phumiphon 5 december 1927 for a name! (Go away, spambots!)

Too glib/grim, but, y’all may understand;

When Pandemic’s stalkin’, don’t come knockin’…

Dennis in Colorado - LOL from a lifelong Catholic! No one likes a Nun joke better than us.

My husband loves this one: An elderly man who was dying of cancer called his sons to his bedside. “When I die, I want you to tell everyone I died of aids.” “Why Dad?” asked his astonished sons. “I don’t want any of my friends trying to sleep with your mother.”

after bloody rioting the military had established a 10:00 curfew. everybody had to be off the streets or risk being shot. However one citizen was shot at 9:45 pm. “why did you do that?” the soldier was asked by his superior officer. “I know where he lives,” he replies, “and he wouldn’t have made it.”

I forgot to mention in my joke that the elderly man and his wife were both eighty years old.

I originally posted this on the Pandemic Violence thread, but it’s more appropriate here.

I would like to share with all of you a somewhat funny story about gun safety.

When I was finally old enough to own my very own Daisy BB gun, (I envied my older brothers for years ;-) ), my father told one of my brothers to go out and teach me about gun safety.

These particular BB guns were the kind that you pour in a bunch of BB’s and you cock once. You couldn’t pump them up any more than that, so they didn’t have much ‘firepower’.

This was in the days of Pro Keds tennis shoes. The kind that had a large rubber area above the toes. Well, my brother said, “Lesson one. Do this.” He cocked his gun and pointed directly on his shoe above his toe and pulled the trigger.

I was amazed that it didn’t hurt, so I proceeded to do the same. (Little did I realize that he didn’t have ANY BB’s in HIS gun!) So I pulled my trigger and boy did that hurt !! As I was hopping up and down holding my foot he said, “Lesson one: Never point your gun at anything that you don’t want to put a hole in!”

Some lessons in life you just never forget! 8-D

I have always loved this old Fred Small tune, based on a government nuclear civil war pamphlet. The whole CD is great.
Dig a Hole in the Ground Fred Small, Heart of the Appaloosa
[Upbeat guitar, banjo, fiddle, dancing music]
You hear so many rumors sometimes you get confused
But I read it in Time Magazine and I heard it on the news
We’ll see dramatic changes in the lifestyle we enjoy
If those megatons of atom bombs are actually employed.
The scenarios are scary, oh, but they don’t worry me
Since I received a pamphlet from a federal agency
It’s got diagrams and checklists and I read it front to back
And it told me what to do in case of nuclear attack: Just
CHORUS:
Dig a hole in the ground, and climb right on down
Lay some boards on top of you and sprinkle dirt around
You won’t have to be dead if you only plan ahead
You’ll be glad you kept a shovel on hand!
Now you can’t just go picking any old place to dig your hole
Got to take a ride to the countryside to the town where you are told
If your plates are odd-numbered please don’t panic, you’ll be fine
Just politely let those even-numbered cars go first in line
If you don’t have a car, just hail a cab or ride your bike
You can climb aboard the Amtrak train, sit back, and enjoy the sights
You and thousands of your city friends will be welcomed cordially
By townfolk who will show you country hospitality—then
CHORUS
We’re sure to give you notice up to seven days before
But it’s wise to recognize the warning signs of nuclear war
If the temperature is rising in a flash of blinding light
Grab your toothbrush and a flashlight and shut the windows tight
If the wind is blowing wicked and there’s buildings in the air Blisters on you body, fire in your hair
If the tupperware is melting and your dinner plans are wrecked
Stay calm, it’s time to put this foolproof plan into effect:
Just CHORUS

If you want humorous songs try the Master, Tom Lehrer

A man feared his wife was not hearing as well as she used to, and he thought she might need a hearing aid. Not quite sure how to approach her, he called the family doctor to discuss the problem.

The doctor told him there is a simple informal test the husband could perform to give the doctor a better idea about her hearing loss.

“Here’s what you do,” said the doctor. “Stand about 40 feet away from her and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you.

If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response.”

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he was in the den.

He says to himself, “I’m about 40 feet away. Let’s see what happens.” In a normal tone he asks,

“Honey, what’s for dinner?”

No response.

So the husband moves to closer to the kitchen, about 30 feet from his wife, and repeats,

“Honey, what’s for dinner?”

Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks,

“Honey, What’s for dinner?”

Again, no response.

So, he walks up to the kitchen door, about 10 feet away.

“Honey, What’s for dinner?”

Again, no response.

So he walks right up behind her.

“Honey, what’s for dinner?”

(I just love this.)

“Earl, for the 5th time, CHICKEN!”

Lesson to be learned from typing the wrong email address:

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minneapolis and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving wife

Subject: I’ve arrived Date: April 6, 2006

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. sure is freaking hot down here!!!!!

ok, one more

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly, a cell phone that was on one of the benches, rings. A man picks it up and here is the conversation:

“Hello?”

“Honey, it’s me.”

“Sugar!”

“Are you at the club?”

“Yes,”

“Great! I’m at the mall and I saw a beautiful mink coat. It is absolutely gorgeous! Can I buy it?”

“What’s the price?” “Only $1,500.” “Well, go ahead and get it if you like it that much.”

“And I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the 2001 models. There’s one I really liked. I spoke with the salesman and he gave me a great price and since we need to exchange the BMW that we bought last year…”

“What price did he quote you for?” “Only $60,000.” “OK, but for that price I want all the options.”

“Oh, honey, that’s wonderful! Before we hang up, there’s one more thing.” “What is it?” “I went to see the real estate agent this morning and saw the house we had looked at last year. It’s on sale!. Remember? The one with a pool, English garden, acre of parking area, beachfront property…”

“How much are they asking?” “Just $450,000. It’s a magnificent price and I see that we have just enough money in the bank to buy it.”

“Well, then go ahead and buy it, but just bid $420,000.

OK?”

“OK, sweetie. Thanks! I’ll see you later! I love you!!”

“Bye. I love you, too.”

The man hangs up the phone and holds it up asking, “Does anyone know who this phone belongs to?”

Lordy, lordy!! I needed that! LOL(really loud!) great jokes! LMAO on the first one Carrey in VA!

O.K. since things are slower than me in the mornings, I’d like to share this with you. After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics, problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. the mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheet before the next flight. Here are some actual logged maintence complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers.

P=(pilot)-Left inside main trye almost needs replacement. S=(solution/action by engineers)-Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

P-Test flight o.k. except auto-land very rough. S-Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P-Something loose in cockpit. S-something fixed in cockpit.

P-Dead bugs on windshield. S-Live bugs on back order.

P-Mouse in cockpit. S-Cat installed.

P-auto pilot in attitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet descent. S-Cannot reproduce problem on grounf.

P-evidence of lek on right main landing gear. S-evidence removed.

P-DME volume unbelievable loud. S-DME volume set to more believable level.

P-Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick. S-That’s what they’re there for.

P-IFF inoperative. S-IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P-Suspect crack in windshield. S-Suspect your right.

P-Nuber 3 engine missing. S-Engine found on right wind after brief search.

P-Aircraft handles funny. S-Aircraft warned to straighten up. fly right and be serious.

P-Target radar hums. S-Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P-Noise coming from under instrument panel. sounds like a midget pounding on something with ahammer. S-took hammer away from midget.

bump

bump

Old is when……

• Your woman says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
• Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
• A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
• You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
• You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
• “Getting a little action” means you don’t need to take any fiber today.
• “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
• An “all-nighter” means not getting up to pee.

Job Interview

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT what kind of salary he was looking for.

“In the neighborhood of $140,000 a year, depending on the benefits package.”

“Well, what would you say to a package of five weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every two years…say, a red Corvette?”

“Wow! Are you kidding?”

“Yeah, but you started it.”

bump

Oremus – at 15:39 --- Personally, I wouldn’t take that job! They didn’t offer a telecommuter option in case of a pandemic!! ;-)

here`s one for you barterers out there.

THE BOTTLE OF WINE

For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married or wish you weren’t married, this is something to smile about the next time you see a bottle of wine:

Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride. With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.

The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally. “What’s in bag?” asked the old woman.

Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, “It’s a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband.” The Navajo woman was silent for another moment or two.

Then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, she said: “Good trade…..”

 Oops, was me, at work.

I came across this totally unrelated article out of PNG when I was looking for flu burung news out of Indonesia/PNG last night and I thought I’d share. We all can use a laugh once in a while. I call this guy Tater Tots.

http://tinyurl.com/yhljvn

http://tinyurl.com/ya4jfv

WISCONSIN WINTER WONDERLAND

 Diary of a snow shoveler 

  December 8: 6:00 PM It started to snow. The first snow of the season and my 
  wife and I took our cocktails and sat for hours by the window, watching the 
  huge, soft flakes drift down from heaven. It looked like a Grandma Moses 
  painting. So romantic, we felt like newlyweds again. I love snow ! 

  December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal white snow covering 
  every inch of the landscape. what a fantastic sight! Can there be a more 
  lovely place in the Whole World? Moving here was the best idea I’ve ever 
  had. 
  Shoveled for the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did both 
  our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow plow came along and 
  covered up the sidewalks and closed in the driveway, so I got to shovel 
  again. 
  What a perfect life. 

  December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a disappointment. 
  My neighbor tells me not to worry, we’ll definitely hae a white Christmas. 
  No snow on Christmas would be awful. Bob says we’ll have so much snow by the 
  end of winter that I’ll never want to see snow again. I don’t think that’s 
  possible. Bob is such a nice man. I’m glad he’s our neighbor. 

  December 14:   Snow, lovely snow! Eight inches last night. the temperature 
  dropped to minus 20. The cold makes everything sparkle so. The wind took my 
  breath away, but I warmed up by shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This 
  is  the life ! The snowplow came back this afternoon and beverything again. I 
  didn’t realize I would have to do quite this much shoveling, but I’ll 
  certainly get back in lshape this way. I wish I wouldn’t huff and puff so. 

  December 15:   20 inches is the forecast. Sold my van and bought a 4×4 
  Blazer. 
  Bought snow tires for the wife’s car and two extra shovels. Stocked the 
  freezer. The wife wants a wood stove in case the electricity goes out. I 
  think that’s silly. We aren’t in Alaska, after all. 

  December 16:  Ice storm thnis morning. Fell on my ass on the ice in the 
  driveway putting down salt. Hurt like hell. The wife laughed for an hour, 
  which I think was very cruel. 

  December 17:  Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to go anywhere. 
  Electricity was off for five hours. I had to pile the blankets on to stay 
  warm. Nothing to do but stare at the wife and try not to irritate her. 
  Guess  I should’ve bought a wood stove, but I won’t admit it to her. God, I hate 
  it when she’s right ! I can’t believe I’m freezing to death in my own living 
  room. 

  December 20:   Electricity’s back on, but had another 14 inches of the damn 
  stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day. Goddamn snowplow came by 
  twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to shovel, but they said they;’re too 
  busy playing hockey. I think they’re lying. Called the only hardware store 
  around to see about buying a snowblower and they’re out. Might have another 
  shipment in March. I think they’re lying. Bob says I have to shovel or the 
  city will have it done and bill me. I think he’s lying. 

  December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because 13  more inches 
  of the white shit fell today, and it’s so cold it probably won’t melt until 
  August.  Took me 45 minutes to get all dressed up to go out and shovel and 
  then I had to P.    By the time I got undressed and dressed again, I was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob who has a plow on his       truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he’s too busy. I think the a—hole is lying. 

  December 24:   6″ more. Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke the 
  shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever catch the SOB who 
  drives that snowplow, I’ll drag him through the snow by his -----. I know 
  he hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he 
  comes down the street at 100 miles an hour and throws snow all over where I’ve 
  just been !   Tonight the wife wanted me to sing Christmas carols with her and 
  open our presents, but I was busy watching for the goddamn snowplows. 

  Decemaber 25: MERRY CHRISTMAS. 20 more inches of the 1=3Dx@!x1xx1 slop 
  tonight. Snowed in.   The idea of shoveling makes by blood boil.   God I hate 
  the snow. Then the snowplow driver came by, asking for a donation and I hit 
  him over the head with my shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I 
  think she’s an idiot. If I have to watch “It’s A Wonderful Life” one more 
  time, I’m going to kill her. 

  December 26:   Still snowed in. Why the hell did I ever move here?  It was all 
  HER idea. She’s really getting on my nerves. 

  December 27:   Temperature dropped to minus 30 and the pipes froze. 

  December 28:   warmed up to above minus 50.   Still snowed in. THE BITCH is 
  driving me crazy ! ! ! 

  December 29: 10 more inches.   Bob says I have to shovel the roof or it could 
  cave in.   That’s the silliest thing I ever heard.    How dumb does he think I 
  am? 

  December 30:   Roof caved in.   The snowplow driver is suing me for a million 
  dollars for the bump on his head. The wife went home to her mother.    9″ 
  predicted. 

  December 3l:    Set fire to what’s left of the house. No more shoveling. 

  January 8:     I feel so good. I just love those little  white pills they keep 
  giving me.      Why am I tied to the bed? 

Commonground-

O.K. I’m up off the floor!! LMAO! There’s a man after my own heart! I hate the white s—t too! Excellant!!

cottontop - I saved that joke from years ago. Just couldn’t get rid of it. That will be me by the way in NH……Ha! Ha!

Commonground- That joke starts out exactly how I felt when I moved to upstate. Then I started going through housecoats like crazy because I would stand to close to the woodstove. If you smelled smoke, it was me on “fare”. This ole southern girl is not a snowbird. New Hampshire is a beautiful state. I hope you’ll be happy there.

Virulent Strain Of Soy Flu Traced To Single Tofurkey

SAN FRANCISCO—” A virulent strain of soy flu has been traced to a single tofurkey at a Bay Area food-processing factory. “An investigation of Green Earth Foods has located the bird-shaped loaf of firm bean curd from which the infection originated,” said Dr. Julie L. Gerberding, director of the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention. “To prevent further spreading of the disease, all tofurkeys in Northern California are being quarantined and destroyed.” Gerberding said it appears that the soy virus was not transmitted to the factory’s Spaghetti & Wheatballs Microwaveable Entree division.”

http://www.theonion.com/content/node/32790

someone please try and cheer me up before my head explodes Evidently officials have decided everyone but themselves are “acceptable losses”, and maybe half the public is too stupid to live, but I still like to hope 1/2 aren’t, and I would like them to prepare, except I am having trouble telling which half is too foolish to warn ; I fear it is more like 75%…

Someone tell a joke, or, sell me a cabin on a hilltop in Finland…

With respect to all fluwikians and their stores of TP: (Slightly altered original joke.)

A little old lady goes into the store to do some serious prepping. She is bewildered over the large selection of toilet paper, but she needs more due to the TP thread.

“Pardon me, sir,” she says to the store manager, “but can you explain the differences in all these toilet papers?”

“Well,” he replies pointing out one brand, “this is as soft as a baby’s kiss. It’s $1.50 per roll.”

He grabs another and says, “This is nice and soft as a bunny, strong but gentle, and it’s $1.00 a roll.”

Pointing to the bottom shelf he tells her, “We call that our No Name brand, and it’s 20 cents per roll.”

“Give me the No Name,” she says. Trying to get the most preps for her dollar!

She comes back about a week later, seeks out the manager and says, “Hey! I’ve got a name for your No Name toilet paper. I call it John Wayne.”

“Why?” he asks.

“Because it’s rough, it’s tough and it don’t take no crap off nobody!”

One day, Jay came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.

“Tie me up,” she purred, “and you can do anything you want.”

So he tied her up and went fishing.

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’slicense. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test.

The optician showed him a card with the letters: ‘C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.’

“Can you read this?” the optician asked.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

Just saw this bumper sticker

If a***holes could fly, this place would be an airport

Saw this on one of those refrigerator magnets at a friend’s house:

Of all the things I’ve ever lost, I miss my mind the most.

Love Story

I will seek and find you.

I shall take you to bed and have my way with you.

I will make you ache, shake & sweat until you moan & groan.

I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.

I will exhaust you to the point that you will be relieved when I’m finished with you.

And, when I am finished, you will be weak for days.

All my love,

The Flu

Now, get your mind out of the gutter and go get your flu shot!

A Scotsman, having had a wee too much o’ a nip at the fair, lies down beside the road to sleep it off. Three bonnie lassies happen by, and stifling their laughter, decide to satisfy their curiosity and forever settle the eternal question as to what a Scotsman wears under his kilt. Barely able to muffle their shrieks, the boldest of the lassies undoes a bright blue ribbon from her hair and ties a decorative bow to the Scotsman’s member to leave evidence they were there.

Hours later, the Scotsman wakes, and responding to the call of nature, lifts his kilt and looks with astonishment at what he finds there. “Well!” he says, “I don’t know where you been, laddie, but I’m glad t’ see you came back with first prize!”

Bird Flu Humor from the Late Show with David Letterman Top Ten Surprises In ABC’s Bird Flu Movie May 6th, 2006

10. Thanks to sponsorship deal, flu is cured by delicious taste of Dr. Pepper

9. Humans attacked by pigeons with tire irons

8. 20% of population comes down with less dangerous “bird hiccups”

7. Every time someone says, “chicken,” all the characters chug a beer

6. Hilarious scene in which Leslie Nielsen confuses his Tamiflu with his Viagra

5. Every single person in the world ends up at General Hospital

4. The big villain? Larry Bird

3. Sad conclusion in which Charlie Brown puts a bullet in Woodstock

2. Hilarious scene where the guy playing President Bush actually solves the problem

1. Sole survivors Michael Jackson and Rosie O’Donnell are forced to repopulate the earth

 local news story kdka

Pittsburgh, PA (AP): A seven-year-old boy was at the center of a Pittsburgh courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Pittsburgh Steelers, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

These guys should be hired to film Avian Flu PSAs! Short, to the point, funny enough to catch peoples attention.

YouTube: http://tinyurl.com/yf59c6

I’d love to be a fly on the wall at the DEA.

Human natural painkiller beats morphine: research

Mon Nov 13, 2006 5:10pm ET

PARIS (Reuters) - The human body produces a painkiller that, at least in rats, can be several times more powerful than morphine, according to research published on Monday.

Researchers extracted from human saliva a natural painkiller, called opiorphin, which has similar characteristics to sialorphin, a natural painkiller they had earlier detected in rats. They injected the rats with opiorphin to suppress pain for chemically-induced inflammation and acute physical pain and found that in both cases the administered dose of 1 milligram of opiorphin provided the same painkilling power as 3 to 6 mg of morphine.

The researchers at the Institut Pasteur said in a statement they hoped to identify which physiological conditions trigger the natural release of opiorphin and to further explore possibilities for opiorphin as a painkiller.”

http://tinyurl.com/ymm3o8

So can a ‘Brit’ join your humour club. !!!!! With all the doom and gloom around the world It’s good have a bit off banter.

The more the merrier… there’s also some sort of “Lounge” thread for crazy banter…

Thanks to Wikipedia:

Q How many BBC Prime programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

One, and then they´ll repeat it again, and again, and again, and again, and again

Q How many CNN reporters it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Any one of them, but they’ll keep repeating the story about what happened until something else breaks.

Q How many bureaucrats does it take to change a light bulb?

I don’t think our department handles that. Can you hold?

Q How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Any number, but it takes forever, and they always screw it up

link

I hope this works. It’s called the “Christmas Bird.” It’s funny, and then again it’s not funny. If it doesn’t work I’ll try again. Bare with me. Thanks

lifeisgreat – at 13:46 aaawwwww, it didn’t work. Want to try again?

Q How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

• We will need to know why the light bulb malfunctioned. An\ Incident Report is required.

Q How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

• The budget doesn’t allow a purchase of light bulbs at this time.

Q How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a light bulb?

• Management will form a committee, hire a consultant, and conduct\ focus groups before formulating any decision regarding light\ bulbs.

Do you have a flashlight?

God Said, “Adam, I Want you to do Something for me.”

Adam said, “Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?”

God said, “Go down into that valley.”

Adam said, “What’s a valley?”

God explained it to him.

Then God said, “Cross the river.”

Adam said, “What’s a river?” !

God explained that to him, and then said, “Go over to the hill…….”

Adam said, “What is a hill?”

So, God explained to Adam what a hill was.

He told Adam, “On the other side of the hill you will find a cave”

Adam said, “What’s a cave?”

After God explained, he said, “In the cave you will find a Woman.”

Adam said, “What’s a woman?”

So God explained that to him, too.

Then, God said, “I want you to reproduce.”

Adam said, “How do I do that?”

God first said (under his breath), “Geez…..” !

And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.

So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.

Then, in about five minutes, he was back.

God, his patience wearing thin, said angrily, “What is it now?”

And Adam said

“What’s a headache?”

Q When you go to the store for eggs, how can you be sure that there won’t be a chicken embryo inside one of them?

Buy duck eggs.

It is a fact that peacocks do not lay eggs. So, if peacocks do not lay eggs, where do baby peacocks come from? Peahens.

(O.K., it’s early, I’m sleep deprived, and I’m at DEN waiting for a flight home.)

An Irishman’s wife gave birth to twins.

The husband demanded to know ‘who the other man was’.

          -----------------

Did you hear about the Irish helicopter crash.

‘The pilot got cold, so he turned the fan off’.

Typical American Boating

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AznEykPBNhQ

Have a nice day

What’s in a Flu Shot?

    YouTube:  http://tinyurl.com/y3d8zt

Why did the chicken cross the road?

Aristotle:  It is the nature of chickens to cross roads.

George Bush:  We don’t care why the chicken crossed the road. We just want to know if the chicken is on our side of the road or not. The chicken is either for us or against us. There is no middle ground.

Bill Gates:  We own the road. We own the chicken. It’s none of your damn business.

David Attenborough:  And as we watch the lone chicken undertake this hazardous journey, we can only wonder at the awesome nature of this dangerous, yet necessary, migration.

Jane Austen:  Because it is a truth universally acknowledged that a single chicken, being possessed of a good fortune and presented with a good road, must be desirous of crossing.

Pat Buchanan:  To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Buddha:  If you ask this question, you deny your own chicken nature.

Al Bundy:  It was married… With children!

Werner Heisenberg:  (Quantum humour)We are not sure which side of the road the chicken was on, but it was moving very fast.

Rhett Butler:  Frankly my dear, it didn’t give a damn!

C++ programmer:  chicken→CrossRoad() was called from chicken→GetOtherSide()

Bill Clinton:  That depends on how yuh define “road”.

Bill Clinton:  I did not have improper sexual relations with the chicken (however, I did ask Vernon Jordan to find the chicken a job in New York).

Saddam Hussein:  It is the Mother of all Chickens.

Hillary Clinton:  It was part of a vast right-wing conspiracy against my husband.

Vito Corleone:  We made her an offer she couldn’t refuse.

Albert Einstein:  Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road crossed the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:  It didn’t cross the road; it transcended it.

Fox Mulder:  It was a government conspiracy.

Timothy Leary:  Because that’s the only kind of trip the Establishment would let it take.

Mark Twain:  The news of its crossing has been greatly exaggerated.

Darth Vader:  To get to the Dark Side.

Saeed Al Sahaf:  The chicken did not cross the road. This is a complete fabrication. We do not even have a chicken.

Colonel Sanders:  I missed one?

http://www.wussu.com/humour/chicken.htm

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To show the opposum it could be done.

Why did the punk rocker cross the road?

He was stapled to the chicken.

An Irishman’s wife gave birth to twins.

Her husband demanded to know who the other man was.

;-) You told us that one, at 11:43

We have all the a ___ walks into a bar jokes; do you know any a ___ “walks into a pub” jokes over there?

(I hadn’t heard the skeleton one before; about ordering a beer, and a mop…nice visual)

An Irishman walks into a bar in NY city and orders 3 beers. He takes the beers to a booth and drinks them. He repeats this every time he comes in.

The bartender asks him, “Why do you always order 3 beers at once?”

Irishman, “I have two other brothers, one in Ireland, one who immigrated to Australia. As a way of remembering each other we all order 3 beers and drink to each other.”

The bartender thought that was nice. One day, the Irishman comes in and orders 2 beers. The bartender serves him, but thinking the worst says:

Bartender: Let me offer my condolences over the loss of your brother.

Irishman: I don’t understand what you mean, my brothers are fine.

Bartender: Well, why the 2 beers and not 3?

Irishman: Oh, tis Lent, and I’ve given up drinking.

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland.

Texan: I hear tell, that y’all Irish can drink. I got a ten dollar gold piece for any man that can drink 15 pints in 15 minutes.

Conversation stops, people stare into their drinks, one man even runs from the bar.

Texan: That’s what I thought, ALL talk.

Shortly the man that had run from the bar returns and offers to take that challenge. He proceeds to quickly down the pints in under 9 minutes.

Texan: Well I’ll be. I wouldn’t have believed it if I hadn’t seen it. Let me ask you one thing though, why did you run from the pub before?

Irishmen: Oh, I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.

crfullmoon. Sorry I must be ‘brain dead’

How’s about this one: Called ‘Three wishes’

An ‘English’ woman famous for her charitable work was granted three wishes by her fairy godmother. “My” she said, I have everything I could possibly want in life.What more can I wish for ?

She thought for a moment and said. “Well, I suppose A new living room chair would be nice,I’ve had that one for 32 years” Within seconds, the fairy godmother had delivered a new chair. Now what about your second wish. ?

Well if you insist,I suppose a new car would be nice to get me to the church. No sooner were the words spoken than a brand new car appeared on the drive.

And your third wish, asked the godmother. Well I suppose there’s no point in having a new car without somebody to share it with, and I am feeling lonely, and would very much to share the pleasures of life, with a nice man, Could you possibly turn my loyal and loving cat into a handsome young man. ?

Almost immediately, the cat was turned into a handsome hunk.

The young man strolled over to the woman and said “I bet you’re sorry you had me neutered now” Have a nice day. Alan.