Over the last couple of days, many of us have been contributing absolute trivia to a test thread and all agreed it was so much fun and we should do it more often. So I have started this thread so we can entertain each other.
If you intend to participate in this thread, grab your favourite tipple, pull up a comfy chair, get out your sense of humour, relax and entertain your fellow wikians
If you want to get an idea of what we have been ‘up to’ go visit this temporary thread
Okay, I am off shortly to spend 3 days playing golf - now that definitely belongs in this thread!
Golf - why do we play it? That little white ball sits there on the ground and smirks at you - go-on, hit me then, we will see who wins this competition. So, you manage to hit it and it takes on the life of a dog with a great sense of smell and love of rabbits - there’s some trees over there, I wonder what is in them? Ooh, there’s a bush, there must be something under that, aahh, a sandpit, I love sandpits. What’s this hole thing - I am most definitely not going in there!
So, when I return, having conceded defeat to the great white ball, I expect to ROFLMAO at this thread ;-)
This is my all time favorite joke.
How many women with PMS does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. ONE!! And do you know WHY it only takes ONE? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb. They don’t even know the bulb is BURNED OUT. They would sit in this house in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it OUT. And once they figured it out they wouldn’t be able to find the light bulbs DESPITE the fact that they’ve been in the SAME CUPBOARD for the past SEVENTEEN YEARS.
But if they did, by some miracle, actually find the light bulbs, TWO DAYS LATER the chair that they dragged from two rooms over to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE CRUMPLED WRAPPER THE STUPID @*!#$% LIGHT BULBS CAME IN! WHY?! BECAUSE NO ONE IN THIS HOUSE EVER CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!
IT’S A WONDER WE HAVEN’T ALL SUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE 12 FEET DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE. THE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS…
I’m sorry… what did you ask me?
So… is the test over?
Carrey In Va-
Ahhh, play nice.
Where is everyone? I feel so alooooone. Do you hear an echo? Actually this is the psycho ward, disguised as a lounge.
Ah ha…I’m here…sitting in the corner of the play room in the psycho ward…….trying to decide if I want to knit the cat a sweater for this winter, or just strangle him for his actions today….or rather, his INaction….
Pete has lived in here for over 10 years,…and he STILL won’t do his share of the housework ! Still expects ME to wait on him, hand & foot,,…er paw… Lazy old thing…..he won’t even make an attempt at doing the dishes.
He just eats, poops, sleeps 20/24 hours,won’t even talk to me unless he’s hungry, …and manages to leave a layer of fur in, under, on, & behind everything I own…even the heavy bookcases he never could squeeze behind. How does he do that ?? WHy ???
……sigh…..same complaints I had when there was a MAN around….well, he’s “just” another male…….But at least he cuddles at night and let’s me SLEEP late in the mornings….so I think I’ll make his furry behind a sweater…..after all, he’s a whole lot of company….doesn’t party, doesn’t run around, doesn’t cheat, doesn’t complain , not even about all the preps that keep piling up all over “his” house…….yep, I’ll knit him a sweater this winter.because he’s gonna need one by Spring, when I slather him in NAIR Hair Remover to FINALLY get rid of the cat hair !
…oh wait,.that won’t work either….I just KNOW I will be STILL cleaning up cat fur 5 years after he’s gone……
Wouldn’t be so bad, but the darn old thing won’t even catch a mouse, that LITERALLY ran over his paw, looked him in the eyes, and squeaked at him last winter !
Madamspinner-
maybe you can knit Pete a straight jacket.
Speaking of cats (and dogs).
Recently heard a true story on NPR (National Public Radio) about a man that lost one of his arms and was trying to work with one of those voice recognition programs on his computer. The type of program that you train to recognize your spoken word and it puts it in writing on your computer. Well, while he was doing this “training” his dog and cat got into a fight next to him. His computer heard the ruckus and translated the fight as the dog and cat saying, “How how how why why how how why why why…”. So we finally know what dogs and cats are saying when they are upset at each other. Now if we men could just find a machine that does the same thing when our wives are upset at us.
Okieman-
Hey!!
Maybe Madamspinner should knit you and Carrey in VA a straight jacket!
The King of Salamis was a hero of the Trojan War. What was his name?
Who is Ajax?
I think MadamSpinner should change that lightbulb! :-)
PUN INTENDED !
1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married… The ceremony wasn’t much, but the reception was excellent.
2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”
3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.
4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm and says: “A beer please, and one for the road.”
6. An invisible man marries an invisible woman… The kids were nothing to look at either.
7. Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.
8. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other
and says “Dam!”.
9. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him …(Oh, man, this is so bad, it’s good)… A super calloused fragile mystic vexed by halitosis.
The moon’s rotation takes the same amount of time as its orbit, thus the same face always faces the earth. I thought at first that this may just be a physical law of planetary motion but it is unique in our solar system.
With the idea that the moon was formed from debris gouged from the earth in an ancient cometary impact, what are the odds that this would occur? Do you think it would be common throughout the universe? Is the moon a huge duckblind for the alien observation post (question for those in the tin hats)?
:-D
Firesign Theatre, Ben Bland’s All Day Matinee : …”well, you’d better keep a close watch on your emotions. So remember the seven danger signals of depression; that’s a general and lasting feeling of hopelessness, inability to concentrate, loss of self-esteem, fear of rejection, feelings of guilt, misdirected anger, and extreme dependency on others.
At the first sign of these symptoms, friends, follow these simple rules: keep working, drink as much as possible, and… take your television’s advice. And y’know more TV’s recommend an amazing new psychic breakthrough than any other, and that’s… Confidence in the System. Fast, safe, and guaranteed through constant Federal control, Confidence in the System will keep THEM in power longer, longer, longer, and tend to calm and obscure the miseries of disillusionment and despair. In easy-to-swallow Propaganda form or new fast-acting Thought Control, that’s Confidence in the System. So have some… today”
Oremus – at 10:24 The moon’s rotation takes the same amount of time as its orbit, thus the same face always faces the earth. I thought at first that this may just be a physical law of planetary motion but it is unique in our solar system.
I don’t think it’s unique to Earth and Moon. Wikipedia has an article on Tidal locking.
“Tidal locking makes one side of an astronomical body always face another, as the Moon faces the Earth.”
snip
“Most significant moons in the Solar System are tidally locked with their primaries …”
And if I’ve confused what you’re talking about with something else, don’t flame me. I know next to nothing about astronomy. (I just know how to look things up on wikipedia and hope I’ve looked up the right thing and that the info at wikipedia is reasonably right.) :-)
Oremus- Yes the moon is a duckblind for an alien observation post, and they dumped the bird flu on us!!
I love the ancient Sumer mythology of how the solor system was created.
Sorry — anonymous – at 10:46 was me.
But I do like the alien duckblind idea. Perhaps Coleridge was right when he wrote of “The horned Moon, with one bright star within the nether tip.” It was the aliens forgetting to turn off the lights.
Milo, thanks for the link. I found this:Phobos (moon)
In a February 1960 letter to the journal Astronautics,[9] however, Siegfried Frederick Singer, then science advisor to President Eisenhower, came out in support of Shklovsky’s theory, going as far as stating that “[Phobos’] purpose would probably be to sweep up radiation in Mars’ atmosphere, so that Martians could safely operate around their planet”. A few years later, in 1963, Raymond H. Wilson Jr., Chief of Applied Mathematics at NASA, allegedly announced to the Institute of Aerospace Sciences that “Phobos might be a colossal base orbiting Mars”, and that NASA itself was considering the possibility.
Not a joke..but Its Friday! Its Texas High School football night district playoff and I dont give a darn about the bird flu!!! Hehe. Wish my boy luck tonight! Have a fun Friday everybody!
Oremus – at 11:18
So The Angry Red Planet was probably right about the dread Martian Batratspidercrab and the Huge Amoeba with a Rotating Eye. Not to mention the carnivorous plants.
I always knew it was true.
Milo – at 11:33
Until 1966, LSD and psilocybin were provided by Sandoz Laboratories free of charge to interested scientists. LSD
This explains a lot.
Frisco Parent 11:24 Good luck to your boy with the playoffs!!
One of my favorite oldie movies about Mars, is the Martian Chronicals.
But of course Mars has long held a fascination for me even as a kid.
Oremus – at 11:49 Interesting!! It does explain some things. Though nothing really can explain the Batratspidercrab. I love those B movies. It: The Vampire from Beyond Space! was another good one. The title alone is priceless. The monster was from Mars (of course), but I guess “beyond space” sounded more enigmatic and otherworldly.
Hahahahah! Thanks for the jokes! My contributions, such as they are:
A skeleton walks into a bar and says: “Gimme a beer and a mop.”
And my all time favorite joke:
What did the Dalai Lama ask of the hot dog vendor?
“Make me One with everything.”
A rope goes into a bar. The bartender tells it, “We don’t serve ropes here!” It slithers out, winds upon itself and tufts up its end. It hops back in and the bartender says, “Aren’t you the rope that was just in here?” “No,” says the rope thoughtfully, “I’m a frayed not.”
A hydrogen atom goes to the lost and found, and says, “I think I’ve lost my electron.”
Attendant, “Are you sure?”
Atom, “Yes, I’m positive.”
My daughter told me this joke.
A young woman is walking on a beach when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and out pops a Genie who promises her the greatest wish of her life.
“I would like to have peace in the Middle East,” says the young woman.
“Now you know that’s impossible. That area has had conflicts for thousands of years. What else would you want?”
“Well,” says the girl. “I would like to have a good husband, someone who is kind, compassionate, and listens to me. Someone who supports my career, helps me around the house and loves children.”
The Genie sighs and pulls out a map.
“Now where is that Middle East?”
How many male rocket scientists does it take to change one lousy rool of toilet paper?
Zero. I have never known man who master the advanced art of putting on a new roll.
It’s 5:00 somewhere…….And I am headed there at Ludicrous Speed……..
Stolen shamelessly from Comedy Central:
http://www.comedycentral.com/jokes/index.jhtml
A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant opened by a fellow cannibal. Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu…
Broiled Missionary: $ 10.00 Fried Explorer: $ 15.00 Baked Politician: $ 100.00
The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, “Why such a price difference for the politician?”
The waiter replied, “Have you ever tried to clean one?”
MissBliss – at 10:01, are you from Manitoba?
Thanks Influenta2–12:03! I won’t be able to talk tomorrow.. so I will sift through this website and do my usual lurking around on Saturdays. hehe.. Nice jokes everybody! I liked that one GranceRN! Too funny!
Frisco! Hope that game of your son’s went alright…..my team just lost this afternoon, and my husband’s team is expected to lose tonight. I’m making a Praline Cake for when our neighbors get together tonight to watch it.
I only remember two jokes, both unprintable. Might be that is why I remember them, but they tickled my funny bone. In New Jersey, the hard to clean $100 politician resonates. Have to twit my Republican friends with that one. I wish they would bann political ads on Radio and T.V… I had to pull political placards of politicians I didn’t endorse out of my lawn the day before the election. I felt skunked.Limit them all to a reasonable few ads.
Ah wonderful - great to see people are making their way into the lounge (patients only of course) and sharing stuff. It is also reasonably obvious that some of you definitely brought your favourite tipples with you!
One of the jokes up there reminded me … what does DNA stand for - National Dyslexics Association.
Madamspinner - just one cat - try 3 - including the one on my lap at present wanting to welcome me home and help operate the keyboard! I made the mistake of having them all with different coloured fur so no matter what colour clothes I wear the fur shows! I must get me some shares in the lint remover makers - I know I contribute considerably to their profits!
The golf, well what can I say - it was a magic time with LOTS of golf being played - more than my handicap actually anticipates I should play … golfers will understand what that means.
Catch you all later. (PS, I do know the All Blacks score - one thing we did track while away )
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town’s most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute. “Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn’t you like to give back to the community in some way?”
The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, “First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?” Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, “Um … no.”
“…or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?”
The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted.
“…or that my sister’s husband died in a traffic accident,” the lawyer’s voice rising in indignation, “leaving her penniless with three children?!” The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, “I had no idea … “
On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again: “So if I don’t give any money to them, why should I give any to you?”
My therapist told me a way to achieve inner peace was to finish things I had started.
Today I finished 2 bags of potato chips and a chocolate cake.
I feel better already.
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman Pinscher and the other had a Chihuahua. As they sauntered down the street, the one with the Doberman said to her friend, “Let’s go over to that bar and get something to drink.”
The lady with the Chihuahua said, “We can’t go in there. We’ve got dogs with us.”
The one with the Doberman said, “Just follow my lead.”
They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in. The bouncer at the door said, “Sorry, Lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman with the Doberman said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.”
The bouncer said, “A Doberman Pinscher?”
The woman said, “Yes, they’re using them now. They’re very good.”
The bouncer said, “OK, come on in.”
The lady with the Chihuahua figured convincing him a Chihuahua was a seeing eye dog may be too far fetched, but thought “What the heck”, so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.
Once again the bouncer said, “Sorry, lady, no pets allowed.”
The woman said, “You don’t understand. This is my Seeing-Eye dog.” The bouncer said, “A Chihuahua?”
The woman with the Chihuahua said, “A Chihuahua? They gave me a f#%kin’ Chihuahua???!!”
A man standing in line at a check out counter of a grocery store was very surprised when a very attractive woman behind him said, “Hello!” Her face was beaming.
He gave her that “who are you look,” and couldn’t remember ever having seen her before. Then, noticing his look, she figured she had made a mistake and apologized.
“Look,” she said “I’m really sorry but when I first saw you, I thought you were the father of one of my children,” and walked out of the store.
The guy was dumbfounded and thought to himself, ‘What the heck is the world coming to? Here is an attractive woman who can’t keep track of who fathers her children!’ Then he got a little panicky. ‘I don’t remember her,’ he thought but, MAYBE….during one of the wild parties he had been to when he was in college, perhaps he did father her child!
He ran from the store and caught her in the parking lot and asked, “Are you the girl I met at a party in college and then we got really drunk and had wild crazy sex on the pool table in front of everyone?”
No”, she said with a horrified look on her face. “I’m your son’s second grade teacher!”
from the comic Steven Wright
1- I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2- Borrow money from pessimists - they don’t expect it back.
3- Half the people you know are below average.
4- 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5- 42.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6- A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7- A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8- If you want the rainbow, you gotta put up with the rain.
9- All those who believe in psycho-kinesis, raise my hand.
10- The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11- I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
12- OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13- How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14- If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15- Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16- When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17- Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18- Hard work pays off in the future, laziness pays off now.
19- I intend to live forever — so far, so good.
20- If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21- Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22- What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23- My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24- Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25- If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26- A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27- Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28- The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29- To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30- The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31- The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32- The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33- Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don’t have film
We men always hear “the rules” from the female side. Now here are the rules for the male side. These are our rules! Please note… these are all numbered “1″ ON PURPOSE!
1.. Learn to work the toilet seats. You’re a big girl. If it’s up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don’t hear us bitching about you leaving it down.
1.. Birthdays, Valentines and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
1.. Sometimes we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
1.. Sunday = sports. It’s like a full moon or the changing tides. Let it be.
1.. Don’t cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then you’re stuck with her.
1.. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1.. Crying is blackmail.
1.. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!
1.. We don’t remember dates. Mark birthdays and anniversaries on a calendar. Remind us frequently beforehand.
1.. Most guys own three pair of shoes - tops. What makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress.
1.. Yes and NO are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That’s what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1.. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
1.. Check your oil! Please.
1.. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.
1.. If you don’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1.. If you think you’re fat, you probably are. Don’t ask us. We refuse to answer.
1.. If something we said can be interpreted two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
1.. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway; it’s genetic.
1.. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done, not both. If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1.. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1.. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do I.
1.. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out. Get over it, and quit whining to your girlfriends.
1.. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.
1.. If it itches, it will be scratched. We do that.
1.. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
1.. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.
1.. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.
1.. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
1.. Don’t ask us what we’re thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation, or monster trucks.
1.. You have enough clothes.
1.. You have too many shoes.
1.. Foreign films are best left to foreigners. Unless it’s Bruce Lee or some war flick where it doesn’t really matter what the hell they’re saying anyway.
1.. It is neither in your best interest or ours to take the quiz together. No, it doesn’t matter which quiz.
1.. BEER is as exciting for us as shoes are for you.
Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight, but did you know we really don’t mind that, it’s like camping.
Oremus - you must be the life and soul of any party you attend.
Now, just remember these ones as well girls ..
Why do women re-arrange their hair at traffic lights?
They don’t have dangly bits to scratch
Wonderful. Oremus ,your name isn’t George? George claimed ,a lot of the funniest jokes and humor come out of prison, or from truck drivers, where the guys have lots of time to think these things up. I have never met anyone who had a better delivery or an more inexaustable supply of funny stories. Dinner at his house was always a treat.
diana – at 15:59
I am on the road a lot. Mostly I steal other people’s jokes.
Work Evaluations
Some of you might like to know what the supervisor is really saying in all those glowing employee work performance evaluations s/he keeps cranking out.
AVERAGE: Not too bright. EXCEPTIONALLY WELL-QUALIFIED: Has committed no major blunders to date. ACTIVE SOCIALLY: Drinks heavily. ZEALOUS ATTITUDE: Opinionated. CHARACTER ABOVE REPROACH: Still one step ahead of the law. UNLIMITED POTENTIAL: Will stick with us until retirement. QUICK THINKING: Offers plausible excuses for errors. TAKES PRIDE IN WORK: Conceited. TAKES ADVANTAGE OF EVERY OPPERTUNITY TO PROGRESS: Buys drinks for superiors. INDIFFERENT TO INSTRUCTION: Knows more than superiors. STERN DISCIPLINARIAN: A real jerk. TACTFUL IN DEALING WITH SUPERIORS: Knows when to keep mouth shut. APPROACHES DIFFICULT PROBLEMS WITH LOGIC: Finds someone else to do the job. A KEEN ANALYST: Thoroughly confused. NOT A DESK PERSON: Did not go to college. EXPRESSES SELF WELL: Can string two sentences together. SPENDS EXTRA HOURS ON THE JOB: Miserable home life. CONSCIENTIOUS AND CAREFUL: Scared. METICULOUS IN ATTENTION TO DETAIL: A nitpicker. DEMONSTRATES QUALITIES OF LEADERSHIP: Has a loud voice. JUDGMENT IS USUALLY SOUND: Lucky. MAINTAINS PROFESSIONAL ATTITUDE: A snob. KEEN SENSE OF HUMOR: Knows lots of dirty jokes. STRONG ADHERENCE TO PRINCIPLES: Stubborn. GETS ALONG EXTREMELY WELL WITH SUPERIORS AND SUBORDINATES ALIKE: A coward. SLIGHTLY BELOW AVERAGE: Stupid. OF GREAT VALUE TO THE ORGANIZATION: Turns in work on time. IS UNUSUALLY LOYAL: Wanted by no one else. ALERT TO COMPANY DEVELOPMENTS: An office gossip. REQUIRES WORK-VALUE ATTITUDINAL READJUSTMENT: Lazy and hardheaded. HARD WORKER: Usually does it the hard way. ENJOYS JOB: Needs more to do. HAPPY: Paid too much. WELL-ORGANIZED: Does too much busywork. COMPETENT: Is still able to get work done if supervisor helps. CONSULTS WITH SUPERVISOR OFTEN: Pain in the ass. WILL GO FAR: Relative of management. SHOULD GO FAR: Please. USES TIME EFFECTIVELY: Clock watcher. VERY CREATIVE: Finds 22 reasons to do anything except original work. USES RESOURSES WELL: Delegates everything. DESERVES PROMOTION: Create new title to make him feel appreciated.
From: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 4th November 1998
Re: Office Christmas Party
I’m happy to inform you that the company Christmas Party will take place on December 23rd, starting at noon in the private function room at the Grill House.
There will be a cash bar and plenty of drinks! We’ll have a small band playing traditional carols. Please feel free to sing along. Don’t be surprised if the Managing Director shows up dressed as Santa Claus! A Christmas tree will be lit at 1.00 p.m. Exchange of gifts among employees can be done at that time, however, no gift should be over $10.00 to make the giving of gifts easy for everyone’s pockets. This gathering is only for employees! The Managing Director will make a special announcement at the Party.
I wish a Merry Christmas to you and your family.
Sincerely,
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 5th November 1998
RE: Holiday Party
In no way was yesterday’s memo intended to exclude our Jewish employees. We recognize that Chanukah is an important holiday, which often coincides with Christmas, though unfortunately not this year. However, from now on we’re calling it our ‘Holiday Party’. The same policy applies to any other employees who are not Christians.
There will be no Christmas tree or Christmas carols sung. We will have other types of music for your enjoyment. Happy now?
Happy Holidays to you and your family,
Pauline
FROM; Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 6th November 1998
RE: Holiday Party
Regarding the note I received from a member of Alcoholics Anonymous requesting a non-drinking table, you didn’t sign your name. I’m happy to accommodate this request, but if I put a sign on a table that reads, “AA Only”, you wouldn’t be anonymous anymore!!! How am I supposed to handle this? Somebody?!
Forget about the gift exchange, no gift exchange allowed now since the Union
Officials feel that $10.00 is too much money and Management believe $10.00 is a little cheap. NO GIFT EXCHANGE WILL BE ALLOWED. Pauline.
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 7th November 1998
RE: Holiday Party
What a diverse group we are! I had no idea that December 20th begins the Muslim holy month of Ramadan, which forbids eating and drinking during daylight hours.
There goes the party! Seriously, we can appreciate how a luncheon at this time of year does not accommodate our Muslim employees’ beliefs. Perhaps the Grill House can hold off on serving your meal until the end of the party or else package everything up for you to take home in a little foil doggy bag. Will that work? Meanwhile, I’ve arranged for members of Weight Watchers to sit farthest from the dessert buffet and pregnant women will get the table closest to the toilets. Gays are allowed to sit with each other, lesbians do not have to sit with gay men, each will have their own table. Yes, there will be flower arrangements for the gay men’s table too. To the person asking permission to cross dress - no cross dressing allowed. We will have booster seats for short people. Low fat food will be available for those on a diet. We cannot control the salt used in the food, so we suggest those people with high blood pressure taste the food first. There will be fresh fruits as dessert for diabetics. The restaurant cannot supply “No Sugar” desserts. Sorry!
Did I miss anything?!?!?!?!?!
Pauline
FROM: Pauline Lewis, Human Resources Director
TO: All F******g Employees
DATE: 8th November 2005
RE: The F******g Holiday Party
Vegetarian pricks - I’ve had it with you people!!! We’re going to keep this party at the Grill House whether you like it or not, so you can sit quietly at the table furthest from the “grill of death”, as you so quaintly put it, you’ll get your f******g salad bar, including organic tomatoes, but you know tomatoes have feelings too. They scream when you slice them. Oh yes, I’ve heard them scream. I’m hearing them scream right NOW!
I hope you all have a rotten holiday. Drink, drive, and die!
The Bitch from HELL!!!
FROM: John Bishop - Acting Human Resources Director
TO: All Employees
DATE: 9th November 2005
RE: Pauline Lewis and Holiday Party
I’m sure I speak for all of us in wishing Pauline Lewis a speedy recovery, and I’ll continue to forward your cards to her.
In the meantime, the Management has decided to cancel our Holiday Party and instead, give everyone the afternoon of the 23rd December off with full pay
the sun was shining brightly and I could hardly wait, to ponder at my window, and gaze at my estate.
the breeze was blowing briskly,
it make the flowers sway.
the garden was enchanting, on this inspiring day.
my eyes fell on a little bird, with a beautiful yellow bill, I beckoned him to come and sit, upon my window sill.
I smiled at him with happiness, and gave him a crust of bread. then I quickly closed the window, and smashed his little head.
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult,four hour, surgical procedure.
A young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
“Nurse”, he mumbles, from behind the mask. “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, “I don’t know, Sir I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.”
He struggles to ask again, “Nurse, are my testicles black?”
Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around. Then, she takes a close look and says, “There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir !!”
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, “Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very closely……
A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k? “
haha.. Oremus.. too funny!!!
There is a man with a good dog, a very good dog. So one day he decides to test his dog, he finds a rabbits foot, lets the dog sniff it. The dog runs out of the house and a few moments later the dog returns with a rabbit. So the guy thinks to himself “hmm.. I should try something else”. So he finds a feather, lets the dog sniff it, the dog runs out of the house and a few moments later returns with a bird. So then the man thinks “let me try this”, he lets the dog sniff his wifes g-string, the dog runs out of the house, a few moments later he returns with his neighbors nuts.
Hehe.
Okay, I have got my relaxing coffee and I am about to share Today in the Life of AnnieB
While away over the weekend, I noticed one of the front tyres on the car had unusual wear on it. I asked DH (who does not have a mechanical or handyman bone in his body BTW) if he got a wheel alignment last time he replaced the tyres. “They did something” he responded - me figures it was just the standard balancing. DH is out of town for the week with work - not a problem, I can see to it.
Get a phone call first thing today to do a couple of hours work for a company - yep - can fit that in, get essential shopping, get tyre replaced and an alignment, and fit in a hair cut - I am the officianado at multi-tasking …
Okay, pick up the ‘short job’ at 10.30am, they want it back by 4.30pm - yep - that’s good. Get hair cut - also have a complimentary facial - oh yes - just throws the timetable out by 45 minutes but we can cope. Get bus home - well, eventually got a bus to a few blocks away as my bus didn’t arrive - should have stayed home at this point?
Do the ‘job’. Now to get the essential shopping and the tyre done. Do shopping, go to tyre shop - on the way the company phones - can we get that work now? No problem, meet me at the coffee shop by the tyre place - good. Alignment etc going to take 30 minutes - perfect. Meet company, hand over job, get phonecall from tyre place - all 4 tyres need replacing (they just know you cannot say no - unsafe vehicle otherwise!, tell me allow another 15 minutes). Have a coffee, go back to tyre place - they have deadlocked the key in the car! I did not think that was possible - it is!
The only way to get in is with another key - these cars do not let you break in! Phone DH to check he has not taken his key away with him - “doesn’t think so” - check his bag at home. Get tyre company car and head home - attempting to cross the city in early rush-hour traffic by now - great. Phew, key is there. Drive back to tyre place. Decide to check out ‘essential shopping’ while I wait for the alignment to be done. Open box, no special bag - phone the shop - salesperson has left for the day - tough, I want my bag!
Alignment finally finished, try not to faint while paying the bill and head out into rush hour traffic again. Get to shop for bag, person who took my phone call has gone! Tear shop apart brick by brick! Given a bag - in fact told to choose any bag, and no, there will not be any extra fee for that! Thank the nice sales person and tell them to stop shaking.
Back into rush hour traffic and make it home to 3 phone messages which I am not even going to tackle until tomorrow! And I thought the 13th only gave you ‘trouble’ when it occurred on a Friday!
Here is one of my favorites from my dad. Read it with a slight sway and slightly drunk feeling. Starkle, starkle, little twink, who the heck you are I think. Some thinkle peep I’m under the alocofluence of inkyhol, but I have full fummand of my calculties. If that I was where I would be, then should I be where I’m not. But here am I where I must be and where I would be I cannot. (slight stumble and hic up as you end.)
Annie A.K.A. Pauline Lewis. (see 16:55 entry)
Something for the ladies. A pilot makes the dire announcement that the airplane is about to crash, and all should make peace with their maker. A career woman seated in front jumps up and say’s. “I’m not ready to die until some man makes me feel like a real woman.” A handsome gentlemen from the back of plane strides up the aisle removing his White Brooks Bros. shirt. Everyone on the plane cranes their necks to get a better view, and holds their breath. He hands the immaculate shirt to the woman and says. “Iron this.”
Oremus - Still laughing my head off at all your jokes, but as an antidote to your list @ 15:20, I think you should reread the joke my daughter told me (November 10 @ 12:36).
You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. — Dean Martin
I’d rather have a bottle in front of me than a frontal labotomy.
‘’‘AnnieB – at 02:16 Madamspinner - just one cat - try 3 - including the one on my lap at present wanting to welcome me home and help operate the keyboard!’‘’
His Majesty is a 22 pd gray tabby; which shows on EVERYTHING. But I am adopting a friends’ 20 pounder, who is solid black…which will blend in better on everything ! ;-) Pete knows him and likes him, plus they are about the same age, 11 & 12 yrs, and close in size, and about as lazy…only problem that might crop up is the new guy using the “Kings’” litter box ! Sooo, I’m hunting another Jumbo covered box. Oooo……joy……..
The idea of knitting my furballs and the guys’ strait jackets, is a good one----wonder HOW I’d get all 4 paws into one of those, with NO help ?!?!?! ;-)
YEOOOWWWWW
Madamspinner - the big advantage of your plan to create and fit straitjackets is that attempting to get a cat into a straitjacket should take up at least 2 of the 3 months you are SIPed for! If it is anything like attempting to get them into the cat cage to go to the vets …
I trust your firstaid kit has plenty of sticky plasters and we want a photo of the cats in their jackets and you with most of your flesh missing … hee hee
Oremus@16:55 Can I take that one? I love it!!! I would like to pass it along to friends. I’ll give you credit for it. I await your reply.
aaaah. been wanting to get over here all day and have a shot of RWFK! Would anybody care to join me?
A 90 year old gentleman, very well dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit, flower in his lapel, smelling slightly of a good aftershave, presenting a well looked after image, walked into an upscale coctail lounge. Seated at the bar was an 80 year old lady. The gentleman walked over, sat alongside her, ordered a drink, took a sip, turned to her and asked, “So tell me, do I come here often?”
Ruth – at 22:02
It’s not mine. Email joke circulating since 98. Correct the 2005 dates to 1998 to make the Ramadan reference accurate.
Q. What has 4 legs and 1 arm?
A. A pit bull.
A pirate walks into a bar. He has the peg leg, hook, eyepatch, parrot on the shoulder, the whole nine yards.
After serving him his grog, the bartender asks, “If you don’t mind, how did you get that peg leg?”
Pirate (do your best pirate voice, arrgh) : Well, one day, I fell overboard, and afore they could git me aboard, a shark took me leg.
Bartender: That’s too bad… and the hook?
Pirate: Well, I was in this here sard fight when I gits me hand cut off, arr!
Bartender: That’s terrible… and the eye patch?
Pirate: Well, one day, I was walkin’ along, when a seagull poops in me eye.
Bartender (incredulously): You lost your eye because of seagull poop??!
Pirate: Twas the first day with me hook.
Oremus: 23:37, I guess it’s free for the taking. Thanks. This has been a nice diversion. Thanks again.
MaMa – at 16:07 MissBliss – at 10:01, are you from Manitoba?
I am from Western NY…home of lake effect snow storms and chicken wings……
Did you hear about the new restaurant on Mars? Great food, no atmosphere!
Madame spinner, why not knit yourself a sweater with kitty fur mixed in.
diana – at 11:18 enjoy your Fall to it’s fullest!
Ok folks, who’s going to win tomorrow — Emmett or Mario?????
Diana - Mario for sure!
Nope that wasn’t Diana who asked about the dance contest — that was me…..I think Emmett did a better free-style than Mario tonight! heck, I don’t know which will win, they’re both good — I just wish Mario would propose to Karina! :-) They’re such a cute couple!
Crossing The River
Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large, raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, “God, please give me the strength to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.
After witnessing that, the second man prayed, “God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river.”
Poof! God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.
Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, “God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.”
Poof! He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.